Monday, August 23, 2010

Me, Myself and I

To myself,

Ten years ago you were 21. Think hard, what was I doing back then?

-I was in University, getting close to finishing my arts degree. I think this was the year I was in my advanced creative writing class. I had a huge crush on the strange bald funny man (funny how that hasn't changed) who sat next to me. I remember driving him home a few times after class and will never forget the day he came to class wearing a sparkly 70s style T-Shirt that said "Worlds Greatest Grandma" on it. GRANDMA. He killed me, and had I met him when I was 26 or older, I would have slept with him.

-I was a drinker. I was getting away from the weed at this time and moving more towards the bottle. Both were still pretty prevalent in my life, but the drink was winning, for sure.

-I started spending my Saturday nights at Loaded Club, a mod themed night in the dark and gross looking upstairs of the Collective, which is now an American Apparel store, which I refuse to set foot in. I have issues supporting anyone whose adverts look like child porn.

-I was seriously getting involved in Buddhism. I was learning the eight fold path and studying a lot on my own.

-I was changing. I was still living at home, but not for much longer. A few years after this, I moved in with my sister, which didn't last too long. Soon after this I moved into my first apartment by myself. I miss that place. Sure it verged on ghetto but I adored it.

I never thought life would be like this ten years after the fact. Amazing how things can change. I never pictured myself tied down, with a partner and a child, but here I am.

Amazing how things have changed. The best I feel is when my child is happy. How crazy is that? I was so selfish at 21. Ten years later, my biggest joy is sneaking into my son's bedroom at night to watch him sleep.

I never thought I'd be here and I am slowly learning to enjoy this. I'm a good mother, at times. I provide for my family, I fucking bake. Sonja was right, I AM Martha Stewart.

So where will I be in ten years? What will my life be like at 41? Will it be much different? Kiddo will be a 'tween,' thought I am sure by then they will have some other crazy name for it. What kind of Mother will I be? I want to ensure I'm calm, that I'm respected by my son, but also loved. I want to be his friend, his confidant and his security. I will be his law. Trust me, this kid will have to work hard to get any thing past me.

So this is a promise to myself to stay on the right track. Don't fall prey to things that can damage you. Stay true and focused and express true love to all, at all times. My family will survive.


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