Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Apples, Cinnamon, Sugar, Flour, Butter

Dear S,

I made Apple Crisp last night. I've always found the process soothing. It's simple, I usually have the ingredients hanging around and I feel something incredible every time I make it. Apple crisp will always remind me of you.

I was young when things weren't that wonderful for you, but I remember it clearly. I was working my first job, I was 16. Sometimes, the memories are so clear of the events in your life at the time that I wonder if they really belong to me or if they are second hand - I saw them somewhere, a movie or something and imposed myself on them. I think hard and long and always come to the conclusion that no, these are false memories, they are true and they are mine.

It was hard for me when you were in the crisis center. The tension at home was excruciating and beyond my coping skills at that time. I took every work shift I was offered at that time. I didn't want to be in the house, but out doing something that distracted me from the fact that you weren't around and you were in a safe place because you needed a safe place. That scared me more than anything. I mean in moments of pure agony I think of you and wonder how you had to feel to want to destroy yourself so completely.

Visiting you there were highlights for me. The house was peaceful and I remember doing a big jig-saw puzzle with you one day. I also remember you telling me that you made Apple Crisp the night before. You marveled at how easy it was and how wonderful it tasted and with a huge smile, I remember you saying you would probably make another dish of it that night.

When you came home from the crisis center, our house was full of the scent of fresh Apple Crisp. I suppose the act was therapeutic for you, or maybe you just craved the homey taste of the dish. I really don't know because I never asked you. Why did you always want to make Apple Crisp in those first weeks at home?

When I start to peel the apples, when I mix the flour, brown sugar and butter together and dash it with cinnamon to make the top crumble, I always think of you. I miss you, I'm proud of you and I love you.



ferocious sonja said...

this is a good one

Anonymous said...

This made me cry. I don't remember that time very well at all. At best I remember fuzzy sort-of memories. I didn't know I made apple crisp after I cam home. Though I still make it to this day, sans recipe. I am so sorry that my stupidity back then caused such pain and hardship for you.

I miss you so much too.

Love you,

Penny Lane said...

don't be sorry.. love you!