July 16, 2011
It's been a while since we've talked, and that's probably my fault. I know your not the most social creature to begin with, you're not the one to reach out to people, but you are always happy when they do. This is a fact that I haven't forgotten about you and at times, I'm sad I let our friendship fade to the level it is at now - random comments to each other on Facebook. To be truthful, I'm not sure how we could be friends on the same level these days, as things have completely changed in my life. I haven't been to the pub in a weeknight in, well, ages and my weekends are spent chasing my little one around. No more beers by the river, no sleeping in till dinner time on weekends, no spending nights out till the wee hours anymore.
I do keep up with you when I do see you and of course, Facebook has allowed everyone to keep up with (or stalk) people in a completely new level. You are one person I regularly stalk. I do so not only because I regard you highly as a person and I believe you are one of the few people with a very true heart, but I do so because I worry about you and keep up with you in hopes I see the day you smarten up and move along.
I know that sounds harsh, so let me explain.
I love you, you know that. You are, like I've said, one of the few people I met with a heart so willing to give and help that it leads as an example of pure empathy for me. You are tough, you are strong but your core is so soft and loving that I worry about it being crushed. Its people who are strong on the outside who are hurt the easiest, I know this as I tend to have the same hard as nails exterior and soft, sensitive inside that you do. I believe that's why we got along so well those six to eight months we spent all that time together drinking and talking. I learned a lot about you then, things that I still keep close to my mind and heart.
To be blunt, I hate to see you get emotionally taken for a ride, which appears to be the case.It has been the case for years. You were blinded by an insane amount of attraction years back and to this day, it holds you captive. Your willingness to give the shirt off your back to those in need has really perpetuated this relationship of take. There is no real balance between the two of you - the really never was after you stopped dating. You seem to hold on, keep her at arms length, hoping for a chance, hoping to be the fall boy when she gets her heart broken, hoping to be there when she falls to catch her, help her, love her and in return, hope she would love you back in the same way. I know what its like, I've been that person in a relationship and it's a very hard place to be in. Its self-mutilating, and it is very, very hard.
I suppose being on the outside of this relationship you two have, people would just see it as you being a caring, loving, maybe slightly enamoured friend, but as I've been there at the very start of this relationship and know both of you well, I have some insight that makes it hard for me to watch this.
Part of me thinks you keep so close to her, keep being her fall to guy in the hopes that she will see the light, realize how wonderful you are for her and stay with you, love you and keep you happy.I know for experience that this won't happen, I know from my understanding of the both of you that this won't happen. I've been in the same situation, I've done it to myself time and time again and I've only come up battered and bruised. I've only come up hurt more. Of course I could never let my enamoured know how much this hurt me, how angry I got when they would fall back on me after a relationship broke down, only to leave me in a blink the moment a new and more exciting conquest presented itself. It's a tired cycle and it happened again and again and again for me and I see it happening again and again and again for you.
And trust me, its not that she doesn't know how you feel. She knows, she understands completely but she is not cut from the same cloth as you. She, despite her sensitive outside, knows you will always be there, understands the deep feelings you have for her and has no issue abusing that friendship as she sees fit. I think that is the part that hurts me the most. I hate to think the worst of anyone and I hate to believe someone would be as cold and calculating as she is but truth be told, I've not only witness it from this far back, I've seen it up close when we all used to be friends, when our big group spend time together often. I've seen this cycle perpetuate itself over and over again between the two of you and it hurts me every time.
The last time I saw the two of you together was a few months back, at a club. She was there with her new beau and you and I sat at my table and observed and wondered about the whole situation. I could see in your body language that you were uncomfortable and a bit upset. How could you not? She was carrying on with this guy right across the table from you. Ever since that evening I couldn't stop returning to the relationship you share with.
You would argue, as I know you would, that she is not at fault, and that she loves you. And I know this is probably true, that she does carry some love for you and all that you give her, but she also knows that no matter how much she emotionally abuses you like this, you'll always be there for her.
That's some strange, very fucked up power to give someone, specially someone who may not be the most moral candidate for power like that.
I know I've said a lot of things that could be regarded as harsh and cruel and that is not something I take lightly. I don't like to be considered those things, not ever. But this is something that I have been thinking about, been stewing on for years. It hard for me to even admit that this crosses my mind because really, its none of my business the relationship the two of you forge together and many may think this is vengeful on my part, but truth be told, its not. She can be capable of love, of understanding, but she also can take for granted those who provide her with the most strength and support.